Time out.

Currently, my boyfriend and I aren't talking. We're taking a few days to reasses what we want from our relationship. Does that mean we're breaking up...does that mean we're going back to the old ways...or does it mean something will change? I'm weary of trying to "work things out." The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again while expecting something diferent to happen. I guess I'm insane then.

Just the other day I was thiking about how I possibly wanted something new. I've been playing pingpong with two boys for over 3 years and it's old. I love and adore both of them but it's hard to maintain a relationship with one and a friendship with the other when they are constantly attempting to make me hate the other. It really isn't fair, you know... neither of them ever got my whole heart. How am I supposed to fight that? I met both of them at the end of my first serious relationship(which was in shambles and I was trying to leave) and here they both come- falling into my lap simultaneously...and I became infatuated with them both. I grew to love them both. Am I in love with either of them anymore? Well, that's certainly a good question. There is so much anger and resentment towards them both that I'm not sure if I'll ever forgive everything that's happened.

As for my current interest, I love him. I know I do. But are we compatible? We fight quite a lot. His apathetic attitude and general lack of forethought in most situations is a serious problem for me. He speaks to me like he doesn't have to consider my feelings...granted, that's how he speaks to everyone. I know my need to be organized and have a plan bothers him. He acts like and idiot while I generally am more witty and sarcastic. In general, we're just on different playing feilds when it comes to personality and intellect. Does that mean we could work? Is love all you need? I've always thought no but I want to believe something good could come of this situation.

As for the other boy, I miss him often. No one ever made me smile like he did. We didn't fight. It was smooth sailing - we were just interrupted. But I cannot go back. It doesn't work that way in society or my heart...not anymore.


All in all I'm just very confused. I have been for years. There have been good times and bad. I just want some calm back in my life.