"It's about casting off the shell of what once was and embracing the mysteries of what is new." – MaryAnne from TrueBlood Season 2

Wow, MaryAnne….you might've been a self serving maenad who went crazy and sacrificed people to Dionysus, but at least some of your ideas were good. : )

 

In the past few weeks, I've been out with tons of people, read a lot of books, started classes, seen some movies, become obsessed with NCIS, done community service, visited with family, gone on vacation and revisited the world of love without expectation . I can't say I've been this happy in months. Things feel natural, finally. It's June 1 and I'm so pleased to have home wrapped around me like a safety blanket- or maybe it's more like stepping out of a pool that you were drowning in….that first gulp of air is absolutely imperative and important. That is how summer2010 feels. I have highschool friends all around me who laugh like I laugh and it is fantastic. I enjoy the sun. I enjoy the rain. Mostly, I enjoy walking at night. The heavy, wet but cool air of the south is not something you'll find anywhere else. And that's a beautiful thought.

Next week, I'll be running a theatre camp with my friend Bre and I couldn't be more excited. Or scared! They don't even have a production in mind. She and I will be responsible for all blocking, directing, costumes, etc. It shouldn't be too bad, right? After all….it's only about fifteen kids ages 5-12. Haha. I really am thrilled for the opportunity though.

As for tonight, my mom and I always eat Chinese together once a week and that is where I am headed. Peace.

Stop tatalktalking that blahblahBLAH.

Someone used the phrase, "Talk is cheap at UAB," to me the other day and honestly, I couldn't agree more. I love the people in this program, I really do. Have I felt continually let down by the actions of my peers this year? Yes. Does that mean I've made no mistakes and am without fault? No. The real idea is that I've been studying character….and there seems to be a real lack of it in this age group. These kids (because no, we aren't REALLY adults) who are between 18-28 who all act like we love one another (but only if it serves us at the time) have yet to grasp what we'll take away from this experience. We have no idea who we hurt with our words and even when we do, we don't know to what degree. Basically, you can't take anything you hear at face value. Who is to say what is true and what isn't and SERIOUSLY, why does everyone even care about everyone else's business? Personally, I want to remember the good memories. I don't want my stories with my children to be "he said she said they did this" stories, you know? I like actions. I like DOING. I want real memories. I want to remember the things I did, not the things I didn't. I want to remember people's smiles and laughter, not the times I heard them talking shit about someone. Does any of this make sense? Is it so much to ask?

"It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."

I believe this is true. It amazes me how we as individuals can for months, perhaps years, believe something when in our gut we always knew it was wrong. Whether this is about religion, a person, a relationship or an idea, hindsight always makes everything clear. Then you'll remember all the signs- all the things that blatantly screamed at you, "THIS ISN'T REAL!" ha. It's tragic and beautiful in its simplicity. The question was always, "How long do we fight? How long do we hold out?" No answer ever came…what's natural just happened. I've had to let go in many relationships, whether romantic or friendly. No one ever knows the right time to say goodbye and no one ever REALLY wants to do it. But you learn or hopefully you'll apply what you gleaned. I know for me, every relationship is an adventure. Sometimes it's good and sometimes it's bad and mostly, it's both. Sometimes people talk about you and tell lies – who knows their motivation. Sometimes they're all about praise and love. The truth is that the human race is a pretty big disappointment from many angles and it's hard to not get bogged down in this idea. . .but on the flip side, people can be pretty amazing.

Anyway, I like looking at all of this objectively. As Rafiki once said, "Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it, or... learn from it." It's true. And hey, I like learning. You know what else I like? For the last week when people ask me, "Julie, what's up? How are you?" I get to say, "I'm wonderful!"….AND I MEAN IT. Mmmmm, it's such a refreshing feeling. The responsibility of your mood is on no one but yourself; sure, there are outside influences, but I made the decision that I was going to be everything I want to be. I'm pretty flippin happy and so mellowed out; it's great. You can too. Yay summer, low stress and seeing things and people who are important.

I look forward to marching band in the fall. I'm excited about being a section leader. I'm hopeful that maybe some of the drama (bc there is no other word for it) won't follow everyone. As for the past year:

If you spoke badly of me

If you betrayed me

If you told someone an untruth about me

If you encouraged rumors

If you talked behind my back

If you were jealous

If you didn't like me and didn't know me

If you did any of these things…you should know that whoever you told, told me. I know about a lot of it. And yes, you should be ashamed of yourselves… but the thing is- I know that usually when people do things like this, they're own insecurities or need for attention drive these acts. It usually isn't meant to TRULY harm or be malicious, just to forward your own reputation and popularity or give YOU an excuse to get out of a tough situation. So, I'll overlook it.

If I ever did any of these things to you and you're reading this- I apologize. Genuinely. Being involved or witnessing so many RIDICULOUS situations has really humbled me and my view about social groups. I'm undecided about how to go forward from here, but I don't doubt that it'll produce good things. I have a good vibe.

So you know hearts? Feeling and doing based on your "heart"….it really is an amazing thing, this idea. Obviously, this mythical "heart" is part of feelings which are processed via our brain and we either act on them or don't act on them. I was watching Sweet Home Alabama the other day and Jake looks at Melanie and says, "What's the matter with you southern women? Do you have to make all the wrong choices before you see the right one?!!" haha. I truly laughed- I think Jake had every right to ask that question. I also think he might be correct. Goodness knows I have made plenty of errors in my friend, love and spiritual life, but they aren't beyond redemption. The people who matter always come back or stay around. Some of them never really leave. That's the beauty of love whether loyal or romantic, or both. In many instances, I'm the one who comes back or lets someone back into my life. Love enables great feats of forgiveness, happiness and understanding. Love sometimes throws people back into your life full force and sometimes they just sort of gradually appear….and sometimes, they simply come back again. I'm into summer love- I'm completely down with loving people. Old, New; Long term, short term; Disastrous or wonderful. It's what I do. I even created a Facebook album strickly for summer called, "Summer is for Lovers"

I intend to spend my summer making memories with people for whom I love and care. This includes beach trips, midnight showings, bookathons, camping trips, UAB workdays, lunch dates, evening dates (whoa!), movie nights, taking pictures and playing various games which are made to embarrass friends among friends. I hope it's glorious.

If you read all of this, major kudos to you. I hope you have a wonderful summer. Until next time….

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3

5

1) Broke up with said boyfriend. Relief? Maybe.

2) Apparently... I'm sleeping with numerous different boys in the music department. I'm glad everyone else knew before me. I don't even remember it- damn. OH WAIT. Hmmmmm. How interesting.

3) Find something better to do with your freaking time than talk about people. Done.

4) I'm ready for finals and my jury to be completed.

5) I'm going to be fine. In the end, all of this doesn't really matter.


<3 <3 <3 mmmmkay,thanks, bye

Time out.

Currently, my boyfriend and I aren't talking. We're taking a few days to reasses what we want from our relationship. Does that mean we're breaking up...does that mean we're going back to the old ways...or does it mean something will change? I'm weary of trying to "work things out." The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again while expecting something diferent to happen. I guess I'm insane then.

Just the other day I was thiking about how I possibly wanted something new. I've been playing pingpong with two boys for over 3 years and it's old. I love and adore both of them but it's hard to maintain a relationship with one and a friendship with the other when they are constantly attempting to make me hate the other. It really isn't fair, you know... neither of them ever got my whole heart. How am I supposed to fight that? I met both of them at the end of my first serious relationship(which was in shambles and I was trying to leave) and here they both come- falling into my lap simultaneously...and I became infatuated with them both. I grew to love them both. Am I in love with either of them anymore? Well, that's certainly a good question. There is so much anger and resentment towards them both that I'm not sure if I'll ever forgive everything that's happened.

As for my current interest, I love him. I know I do. But are we compatible? We fight quite a lot. His apathetic attitude and general lack of forethought in most situations is a serious problem for me. He speaks to me like he doesn't have to consider my feelings...granted, that's how he speaks to everyone. I know my need to be organized and have a plan bothers him. He acts like and idiot while I generally am more witty and sarcastic. In general, we're just on different playing feilds when it comes to personality and intellect. Does that mean we could work? Is love all you need? I've always thought no but I want to believe something good could come of this situation.

As for the other boy, I miss him often. No one ever made me smile like he did. We didn't fight. It was smooth sailing - we were just interrupted. But I cannot go back. It doesn't work that way in society or my heart...not anymore.


All in all I'm just very confused. I have been for years. There have been good times and bad. I just want some calm back in my life.

Give me something new.

I just want to be wanted...the problem is - by who?

Sometimes I want attention. Sometimes I want to be left alone. Is it a defense mechanism? Is it a cry for help? Or is it just being a woman and being normal?

Your inconsistency bleeds over and becomes mine. Your complacency irritates me. The barrier between our personalities is outrageous. And the way you only chase me when a "threat" is close makes me insane. What signal does that send?

So is it out with the old and in with the new? Is it just OUT and go on hiatus? Decisions decisions.

I completely deserve something real. Something fresh. I'm confident enough to believe that.


I'm restless, sheesh. That's the best word for it.

The Many Ages of Julie

While driving back from Oak Grove today, I was thinking about the many ages which have represented parts of my personality.

 

I envy completely fit and thin 14 year old me. I discovered that it's okay to be outgoing and speak my mind and not care what everyone else thought. I CAN THINK TOO. However, I was so vain. I talked about myself and my problems far too much.

Ohhhhh 15. My style changed and I became more humble-I made a lot of new friends, although I am never in short supply. I was such a hopeless romantic too. Silly and carefree.

Ah 16… I was so serious and trying to figure out what I wanted from my life, my school, my family and my friends.

SEVENTEEN!!! I. was. Ridiculous. Ohmygosh. It was the best and worst year. I had my heart broken and broke hearts. I laughed more than ever and cried more than ever. I miss the summer before my senior year of high school. I did what I wanted and didn't have regrets. <3

Lolz, 18. Graduation and College rocked…. I was fat but I was happy. Oh geez. I had it all together and knew what I wanted.

I pity 19 year old me. I lost a lot of weight but I lost my direction too. I lost my faith in so many people. I lost my sweeter view of the world.

 

Here I am at twenty- a little bitter, a little cynical, a little more curious…A lot confused about humans and our behavior. Completely stoked about being a teacher in a few years. Never taking my family for granted. Enjoying life to the best of my ability while still being responsible. I think I feel another restless streak coming but I guess we'll see.

 

 

Anyway, I'm ready for summer. I need a break and I need more good memories. Go!

=]

Checks and…well…

Government exam? Done.

Mens tourney? Done.

Apply for Background Check? Done.

Register for APTTP? Done.

Band drama? Better be done. (It was useless.)

Fill out ECY 300 Study Guide? Done.

Have an uneventful Spring Break? Done.

STILL TO DO à

Get fingerprinted.

Take my ECY 300 and ENV 108 exams this week.

Write one case study evaluation and create one environmental outreach powerpoint.

Meet with advisor then plan summer and fall schedules.

Wind Symphony FAIL-playing which will result in my expulsion from the class.

Read the 10 or so books sitting around my room.

Try to unwind.

Enjoy more Blazer Basketball.

Attempt to understand others actions and the motivations which spur my own.