5

1) Broke up with said boyfriend. Relief? Maybe.

2) Apparently... I'm sleeping with numerous different boys in the music department. I'm glad everyone else knew before me. I don't even remember it- damn. OH WAIT. Hmmmmm. How interesting.

3) Find something better to do with your freaking time than talk about people. Done.

4) I'm ready for finals and my jury to be completed.

5) I'm going to be fine. In the end, all of this doesn't really matter.


<3 <3 <3 mmmmkay,thanks, bye

Time out.

Currently, my boyfriend and I aren't talking. We're taking a few days to reasses what we want from our relationship. Does that mean we're breaking up...does that mean we're going back to the old ways...or does it mean something will change? I'm weary of trying to "work things out." The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again while expecting something diferent to happen. I guess I'm insane then.

Just the other day I was thiking about how I possibly wanted something new. I've been playing pingpong with two boys for over 3 years and it's old. I love and adore both of them but it's hard to maintain a relationship with one and a friendship with the other when they are constantly attempting to make me hate the other. It really isn't fair, you know... neither of them ever got my whole heart. How am I supposed to fight that? I met both of them at the end of my first serious relationship(which was in shambles and I was trying to leave) and here they both come- falling into my lap simultaneously...and I became infatuated with them both. I grew to love them both. Am I in love with either of them anymore? Well, that's certainly a good question. There is so much anger and resentment towards them both that I'm not sure if I'll ever forgive everything that's happened.

As for my current interest, I love him. I know I do. But are we compatible? We fight quite a lot. His apathetic attitude and general lack of forethought in most situations is a serious problem for me. He speaks to me like he doesn't have to consider my feelings...granted, that's how he speaks to everyone. I know my need to be organized and have a plan bothers him. He acts like and idiot while I generally am more witty and sarcastic. In general, we're just on different playing feilds when it comes to personality and intellect. Does that mean we could work? Is love all you need? I've always thought no but I want to believe something good could come of this situation.

As for the other boy, I miss him often. No one ever made me smile like he did. We didn't fight. It was smooth sailing - we were just interrupted. But I cannot go back. It doesn't work that way in society or my heart...not anymore.


All in all I'm just very confused. I have been for years. There have been good times and bad. I just want some calm back in my life.

Give me something new.

I just want to be wanted...the problem is - by who?

Sometimes I want attention. Sometimes I want to be left alone. Is it a defense mechanism? Is it a cry for help? Or is it just being a woman and being normal?

Your inconsistency bleeds over and becomes mine. Your complacency irritates me. The barrier between our personalities is outrageous. And the way you only chase me when a "threat" is close makes me insane. What signal does that send?

So is it out with the old and in with the new? Is it just OUT and go on hiatus? Decisions decisions.

I completely deserve something real. Something fresh. I'm confident enough to believe that.


I'm restless, sheesh. That's the best word for it.

The Many Ages of Julie

While driving back from Oak Grove today, I was thinking about the many ages which have represented parts of my personality.

 

I envy completely fit and thin 14 year old me. I discovered that it's okay to be outgoing and speak my mind and not care what everyone else thought. I CAN THINK TOO. However, I was so vain. I talked about myself and my problems far too much.

Ohhhhh 15. My style changed and I became more humble-I made a lot of new friends, although I am never in short supply. I was such a hopeless romantic too. Silly and carefree.

Ah 16… I was so serious and trying to figure out what I wanted from my life, my school, my family and my friends.

SEVENTEEN!!! I. was. Ridiculous. Ohmygosh. It was the best and worst year. I had my heart broken and broke hearts. I laughed more than ever and cried more than ever. I miss the summer before my senior year of high school. I did what I wanted and didn't have regrets. <3

Lolz, 18. Graduation and College rocked…. I was fat but I was happy. Oh geez. I had it all together and knew what I wanted.

I pity 19 year old me. I lost a lot of weight but I lost my direction too. I lost my faith in so many people. I lost my sweeter view of the world.

 

Here I am at twenty- a little bitter, a little cynical, a little more curious…A lot confused about humans and our behavior. Completely stoked about being a teacher in a few years. Never taking my family for granted. Enjoying life to the best of my ability while still being responsible. I think I feel another restless streak coming but I guess we'll see.

 

 

Anyway, I'm ready for summer. I need a break and I need more good memories. Go!

=]